Forgiven

Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed
him out for it. He apologized, they made up.

However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my
Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your
policy was 'forgive and forget.'"

"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and
forgotten."

Room reservations

The children of our parish in Tokyo had been practicing
their Christmas play. Right on cue, the innkeeper said,
"There is no room."

No one was prepared for Joseph when he turned to Mary and
said, "I told you to make reservations! "

Drunken pilot

A jet ran into some turbulent weather.
To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts.

"I'd like a soda," said a passenger in the first row. Moving along,
the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something.

"Yes, I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!"

Palm sunday

It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for.

His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."

"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"

End times

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"

They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

Hotel

We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.
Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."

Running shoes

My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."

The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.

He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."

Real cave

On a tour of Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, the guide stopped and addressed the crowd. "Do you want to see what a real cave looks like?" he asked.

Of course, everyone said yes.

Without another word, he shut off all the lights.

Men's thoughts

Just think, if it weren't for marriage,

men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Pet prized

A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet.

Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks.

Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked,
"Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?"

The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent.

"Right!" exclaimed the boy.

His dog won first prize.

Conversation with birds

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard,
hooting like an owl--and one night, an owl finally
called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted
back and forth. He even kept a log of the
"conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a
breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife
had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,"
she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my
husband."

Picnic

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window.

"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."

Surprise gift

In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.

"Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"

The first Christmas

A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus.

He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!"

He continued: "And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around."

Prodigal son

Over at Fortitude Holiness Tabernacle, Dexter Rice, the Sunday School teacher, was telling his class the story of the Prodigal Son. Wishing to emphasize the resentful attitude of the elder brother, he laid stress on this part of the parable.

After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, Dexter spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion. "Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"

Nine year old Olivia Crombie had been listening sympathetically to the story. She waved her hand in the air.

"I know!" she said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."

Business magnate

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.

"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."

The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"

"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."

"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."

Prayer for missionary

I heard a story recently about a young girl who wrote a letter to a missionary to let him know that her class had been praying for him. But evidently she'd been told not to request a response to her letter because the missionaries were very busy. So the missionary got a kick out of her letter.

It said, "Dear Mr. Missionary, we are praying for you. But we are not expecting an answer."

Lord's prayer

A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.

The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."

Early shopping

It was just before Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as
he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant.

"Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you
doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened", answered the prisoner

Perfect eyesight

An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

Funeral service

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

Jesus Knocking??

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked,
"Is that Jesus knocking?"

Be quiet

It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son. As if the stress weren't enough, four-year-old Christopher insisted on asking questions about everything, told me how to drive better, and sang every song he knew.

Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: "Christopher, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter." It worked.

But when we stopped for lunch, I unknowingly began to harp on him. "Christopher, sit up straight ... don't spill your drink ...
don't talk with your mouth full."

Finally he said seriously, "Dad, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter."

A Tithe Fish Story

A Tithe Fish Story - by Ben Maxson

I was on the island of Guadalcanal in the Solomon Islands of the South Pacific when I heard the story of a twelve year old boy who had learned what the Bible teaches on tithing. One day he came to the local church elder with a large fish he had caught. He explained to the elder that it was his tithe and asked for instructions as to how to give it to God.

The elder explained that he could sell it at the market or dry it and then sell it. Then he could return the tithe to God through His church. Then the elder remarked that it had been a good day for fishing since he had caught ten fish.

"Oh no," said the boy. "This is the first one. The other nine are still in the ocean. I'm going after them next."

Strange lawyer

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

Tight shoes

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

On guard

Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electricwires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, Iwas assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security
at the scene ofa downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from
the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to
warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to
protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the
wires, then, laughing, descended toward me."Well, Officer," one of them
said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all
night."

Golf

"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.

"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you
weren't watching?" Bob asked.

"Well, no," admitted the friend.

"Neither will John," replied Bob.

Good sermon

The preacher's 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.

One day, she asked him why.

"Well, honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

Lowly programmer

I work for a small software company with approximately fifty employees. My
boss was the company's third employee. At a meeting with a potential client,
our team introduced ourselves one by one. When it was my boss' turn, he
said, "I've been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I started
as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior manager."

When it was my turn, I rose and said, "I'm new with the company. I'm still a
lowly programmer."

Church

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.

Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon.

"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell.

"The nut has gone to heaven."

Marriage

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."

Work

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Marriage

Did I tell you about the young lady who was dating a baker and a poet at the same time?

She couldn't decide whether she should marry for batter or verse.

Work

The company had hired a new CEO to shake things up, and he immediately calls a major staff meeting. As the meeting was getting ready to start, the CEO notices a young man leaning against the wall, clearly caught up in his own daydreams. The CEO marched over to him and barked, "How much money do you make in a week?"

Shocked, the young man nervously answered, "About $300 a week."

The CEO pulls out his own wallet, rips out twelve $100 bills, hands them to the young man and says, "Here's four weeks pay. Now get out of here and don't come back!"

Knowing he now has everyone's attention, the CEO turns and asks the group, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"

With a sheepish grin, a secretary mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Marriage

Our family was attending a wedding and I sat next to my Mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing up at the front while the bridesmaids proceeded down the aisle one by one.
Growing restless, my sister looked up at my Mom and said, "So why doesn't he hurry up and just pick one?"

Husband and wife

A couple on a safari was going through Africa when a lion leaped out, attacking the husband.
As the lion was about to put the man's head in his mouth, the victim yelled to his wife, "Shoot! Shoot!"
The wife called back, "I can't, I'm out of film!"

Church

We had just finished an enthusiastic praise and worship time one Sunday morning. As the worship leader finished the last song, she went straight into prayer. "Speak to us, O Lord," she prayed. "Open our hearts to hear your voice." Just then we were startled to hear a deep, friendly voice coming from above our heads, saying, "Hello, how are you this morning?" I opened my eyes in surprise and saw that the worship leader and my fellow parishioners were standing with eyes and mouths wide open, too.

After a moment of stunned silence, the worship leader chuckled and said, "Oh! The pastor must have forgotten to turn off his lapel microphone when he went out to greet latecomers!"

Children

Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.

School

My daughter's fifth grade class had been studying astronomy.

One morning over breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on
the moon."

At once her little brother's eyes got big and he asked, "Are you gonna let
her go, Mom?"

Police

My son, a West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles
over the speed limit.

After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, "Don't you give out warnings?"

"Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say,
'Speed Limit 55.' "

Family

Matt's two-and-a-half-year old son Anthony wandered into Aunt Maria's and
Uncle Pete's living room where he noticed a framed picture of his parents
and him. Carrying the picture, he waddled into the kitchen where Matt, his
wife Kate, and other relatives had gathered and said, "That's me, Mommy, and
her friend Daddy."

Marriage

During their 50th anniversary wedding celebration at a banquet in their
honor, my Dad was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved
from being married for so long.

My father stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've
learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty,
meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused.

"And?" someone cried out from the back of the room.

"...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd
stayed single!" my father exclaimed.

The room erupted in laughter.

Business

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
"Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper,
where's the story about the big swindle?"

The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out,

"Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

College

While touring the University with some college-bound friends, I saw an
advertisement that summed up the pre-college anxieties we were all feeling.
Posted in a campus restaurant was this sign for a credit-card company:

"Accepted at more colleges than you were."

Joke

One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "What it
means to be British?"

Some of the emails are hilarious, but this from a chap in Switzerland is
probably the best

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Chinese
takeaway on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on
a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Dislike of anything
foreign."

Doctor

Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting
room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half,
shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into
the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking
completely erect with her head held high.

A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little
old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now
you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"

She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."

Church

Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to
fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His
brother, of course, agreed.

It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle,
however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the
deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the
service.

As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he
nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"

"Cousin," she replied.

Doctor

Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."

"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.

"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."

Family

Jimmy's mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game.

"Talk to your son," she said. "He refuses to obey a word I say."

The father turned to Jimmy angrily. "Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother.
Do you think you're better than your father?"

School

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to
the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this
fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."

One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and
accidentally smash your thumb?"

"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."

Church

A Catholic Sister had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first
Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament. Much to
her chagrin, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop.
Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad
seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough
talking and had better stop!"

Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front to deliver Sister's
message-to the priest who was giving his sermon.

Service

Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That
meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching
repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told,
"I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."

Police

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed; however, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked.

"Uhhh, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"

Cooking

Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way...'Take a clean dish and..."

Neighbour

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house
Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.
"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

Child's prayer

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Husband and wife

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, donkey's and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep, the wife replied, 'in laws.'

Heaven

"Doctor! Doctor!" cried the patient, "Is the surgery
complete?"

"I'm sorry, sir," said the man in white, "I'm not the
Doctor. I'm St. Peter..."

Husband and wife

Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.

Husband and wife

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

Golf

A guy stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. All this was driving his golfing partner nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the stupid ball!"

The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," said the partner. "There's no way you can hit her from here."

Opticians

Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

New car

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:
"Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."

"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.

"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."