Student: You know the only thing worse than having to take school books home?Teacher: What?Student: Having to open them once I get there.
Son: Dad, my teacher says I need to get an encyclopedia.Father: Nonsense. You can walk to school just like I did.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Students answers
Teacher: Who is your favorite author?Student: George Washington.
Teacher: But George Washington never wrote any books.
Student: Exactly.
Teacher: Tell the class what book you read.
Student: Black Beauty.
Teacher: Now tell the class what it was about.
Student: It was about 120 pages.
Teacher: Why are you drawing a picture in your American Revolution textbook?Student: I'm making my mark on history.
Mother: How come you never bring any books home?
Son: Mom, they're called "school" books, not "home" books.
Teacher: But George Washington never wrote any books.
Student: Exactly.
Teacher: Tell the class what book you read.
Student: Black Beauty.
Teacher: Now tell the class what it was about.
Student: It was about 120 pages.
Teacher: Why are you drawing a picture in your American Revolution textbook?Student: I'm making my mark on history.
Mother: How come you never bring any books home?
Son: Mom, they're called "school" books, not "home" books.
Organic food
Recently my wife was behind a car with three bumperstickers: "Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food --demand labels and safety testing for food"; "Eat for the healthof it"; and "Support organic farmers." The car was in front ofher at a McDonald's drive-through.
Fining
In Fort Worth, Texas, I was hauled before the judge fordriving with expired license plates. The judge listenedattentively while I gave him a long, plausible explanation. Then he said with great courtesy, "My dear sir, we arenot blaming you—we're just fining you."
Speaking part in a play
Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.
Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Lamaze class
A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, would you pick up that pen for me?"
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, would you pick up that pen for me?"
Holy horse
There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride. "Before you start," the preacher said, "you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is: Praise the Lord, and Stop is: Amen."
So the man on the horse says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells, "Amen!"
The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "Praise the Lord!"
So the man on the horse says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells, "Amen!"
The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "Praise the Lord!"
Best violins
Three violin manufacturers had all done business on the same block for years and years in the small town of Cremona, in Italy.After years of peaceful coexistence, the Amati shop placed a sign in the window that read, "We make the best violins in Italy."The Guarneri shop, two doors down, followed suit shortly thereafter but their sign read, "We make the best violins in the world!"Finally, the Stradivarius family, who owned the shop right between the two, placed a sign in the window that read simply, "We make the best violins on the block."
Basketball coach
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Army
An inexperienced Army medic was stationed at a remote base in the South Pacific. One day he was puzzled about the treatment for one of his patients, so he radioed the mainland."I have a case of beriberi. What shall I do?"The doctor on call was in a glib mood and radioed back, "Give it to the Marines. They'll drink anything."
Recycling garbage
To promote recycling in my military unit, five large dumpsters were placed beside the mess tent with large signs in front of each stating what type of garbage was to be placed inside.It took several days and many reminders, but eventually the soldiers began complying. One day, just as the troops were lining up for the noon meal, a civilian garbage truck arrived.In full view of everyone, the contents of all five containers were dumped into the one truck.
Newspaper
A newspaper writer, after working for 7 long years, was finally granted two months of leave, during which time he would be fully paid.
However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.
The boss asked him why.
The newspaper writer said there are 2 reasons.
"The first," he said "is that I thought by taking such a long leave it might affect the newspaper's circulation."
The boss asked him what is the other reason.
"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that it might *NOT* affect the newspaper's circulation."
However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.
The boss asked him why.
The newspaper writer said there are 2 reasons.
"The first," he said "is that I thought by taking such a long leave it might affect the newspaper's circulation."
The boss asked him what is the other reason.
"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that it might *NOT* affect the newspaper's circulation."
Cooking
Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food." The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?" The first one said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"
Brain stimulating pills
Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain stimulating" pills at our local health food store, but I didn't bother to read the label until I got home."Oh, I can't believe it!" I exclaimed in complaint to my husband. "This is just rosemary extract!""So?" he said."So I can't believe I paid so much for something that's growing wild all over the backyard!""See?" he intoned. "You're smarter already."
Police dog
The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Claudette Ramsey ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the scruffiest, mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," the man replied. "He's in the Secret Service."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Claudette Ramsey ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the scruffiest, mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," the man replied. "He's in the Secret Service."
Also with you
At the start of every Mass, our priest always did the same thing. He would make the sign of the Cross, and then we'd sing a hymn, followed by the priest offering a blessing along the lines of, "May the Lord be with you this day," after which the congregation would respond, "And also with you." One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, the priest seemed to be having some trouble getting his lapel microphone to stay in place. After the song concluded, instead of the blessing, we heard him say, "There seems to be something wrong with my microphone." The congregation, being too well-trained, automatically responded, "And also with you...."
Pastor's mother
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."
Ten years younger
I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard awoman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about theclothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked onher door and asked if there was a specific color or style shecould get for her.
"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered."I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes melook twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."
From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Makethat two."
"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered."I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes melook twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."
From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Makethat two."
Taking blood
During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.
As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."
Excuse for late coming
Johnny Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the train station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. Look, my suit is still damp. Then I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the train station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. Look, my suit is still damp. Then I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
Bishop
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and even the bishop were in attendance.
During the children's talk, our pastor had all these eminent worthies line up and introduced them to the kids. When he got to the bishop, he asked, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
After a long moment, one little boy said, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
During the children's talk, our pastor had all these eminent worthies line up and introduced them to the kids. When he got to the bishop, he asked, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
After a long moment, one little boy said, "He's the one you can move diagonally."
Windshield wiper
Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side.
This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.
Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.
This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.
Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Buddist teacher
A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher.
She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so.
She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so.
She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
Chocolate cake
Doris E. Fletcher of Kendall Park, New Jersey, once contributed a story to "Reader's Digest" (August 1990), about her daughter's struggle to lose weight. She wrote that one day, as a slender friend walked up their driveway, the daughter lamented, "Linda's so skinny it makes me sick."
The mother suggested gently, "If it bothers you, why don't you do something about it?"
The daughter answered, "Good idea, Mom." Then turning to her friend, she called out, "Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake!"
The mother suggested gently, "If it bothers you, why don't you do something about it?"
The daughter answered, "Good idea, Mom." Then turning to her friend, she called out, "Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake!"
Daylight saving time
My husband, Robert, and I were watching television the last Saturday evening in April. When he went to bed, I stayed up to see the end of a program. Before retiring, I turned the clocks ahead for daylight-saving time.
The next morning, the alarm wakened us for early church. When we arrived, it was still dark, and no one was there. "I can't imagine what's wrong," I said. "I turned the clocks ahead."
"So did I," Robert quietly replied.
The next morning, the alarm wakened us for early church. When we arrived, it was still dark, and no one was there. "I can't imagine what's wrong," I said. "I turned the clocks ahead."
"So did I," Robert quietly replied.
this hand or that ?
My six-year-old son came running into the house, crying and shaking his right hand. Sobbing, he told me he had been bouncing the basketball and it had bounced into the end of his fingers. From the way he was crying, I knew he just needed a kiss-it- better cure. His crying subsided and as he turned to go back outside, he said absently, "...or was it this hand?"
Primitive guys
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television... and later to the remote control.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television... and later to the remote control.
Watering the dog and walking the tree
Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling into a large box, mounted the box on wheels, and rolled the tree into the garage every time the temperature dropped.
One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out of the garage and he stopped to pick up the hose and give our old dog a drink before he watered the tree.
A neighbor was watching the scene with amusement. He finally called out to my father, "Frank, you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"
One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out of the garage and he stopped to pick up the hose and give our old dog a drink before he watered the tree.
A neighbor was watching the scene with amusement. He finally called out to my father, "Frank, you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"
Ketchup
Joe was telling his buddy Jack about a recent diagnosis of his high blood
pressure. "The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,"
"Well, did you quit," asked Jack.
Joe replied, "Sure did. You think I'm a dummy or something? I haven't had a
drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since."
pressure. "The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,"
"Well, did you quit," asked Jack.
Joe replied, "Sure did. You think I'm a dummy or something? I haven't had a
drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since."
Missionary
A dentist came home to his wife excited about the day's events. He had met a fellow dentist who had served in the mission field using his dental skills.
"Marge, I think the Lord wants me to work with the poor in Central America. They are in great need of dental care," He explained with enthusiasm.
"Dear husband, it isn't civilized down there. I've heard that they have cockroaches the size of bats. And no running water."
"Marge, the Lord will provide for our needs and we will be able help people who really need us. Bedsides, I am sure the Lord is calling me to do this."
"How do you know the Lord is calling you to do this?"
"Well, I just feel it, and it's in the Bible."
"In the Bible? What verse?"
It's from Psalms 81:10 "I, the LORD, am your God, Who brought you up from the land of Egypt; OPEN YOUR MOUTH WIDE AND I WILL FILL IT." (NASB)
"Marge, I think the Lord wants me to work with the poor in Central America. They are in great need of dental care," He explained with enthusiasm.
"Dear husband, it isn't civilized down there. I've heard that they have cockroaches the size of bats. And no running water."
"Marge, the Lord will provide for our needs and we will be able help people who really need us. Bedsides, I am sure the Lord is calling me to do this."
"How do you know the Lord is calling you to do this?"
"Well, I just feel it, and it's in the Bible."
"In the Bible? What verse?"
It's from Psalms 81:10 "I, the LORD, am your God, Who brought you up from the land of Egypt; OPEN YOUR MOUTH WIDE AND I WILL FILL IT." (NASB)
Restaurant
Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about
how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced
myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my
husband.
He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."
how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced
myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my
husband.
He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."
We invented them
Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once
challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's
generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the
student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear
energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're
right. We didn't have all those things when we were young so we invented
them."
challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's
generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the
student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear
energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're
right. We didn't have all those things when we were young so we invented
them."
The meaning of dreams
A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"
"You shall know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. She found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
"You shall know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. She found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
crash
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange took place:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange took place:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."
Software
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the
participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just
boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been
responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark
immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When
asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay
onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as
far as the runway, let alone take off.
participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just
boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been
responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark
immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When
asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay
onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as
far as the runway, let alone take off.
CD player
While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the
technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled,
though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse
D/A converter' mean?"
"That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information
that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into
music." "In other words this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."
technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled,
though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse
D/A converter' mean?"
"That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information
that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into
music." "In other words this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."
Dear God
A Sunday School teacher challenged her pupils to take some time after church
on Sunday and write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back to
Sunday School the following week.
One little boy wrote, "Dear God, we had a good time at church last Sunday.
Wish you could have been there."
on Sunday and write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back to
Sunday School the following week.
One little boy wrote, "Dear God, we had a good time at church last Sunday.
Wish you could have been there."
Horse called
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good
explanation '
Three days later he was watching a ball game on t.v. when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What in the world was that for?'
She replied... 'Your horse called.'
him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good
explanation '
Three days later he was watching a ball game on t.v. when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What in the world was that for?'
She replied... 'Your horse called.'
Iraqi invasion
After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the
kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, "How
come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?"
Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says
they'll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class.
"Where were we?" says the president. "Oh, yes... do you kids have any
questions?"
Another boy raises his hand and says, "I have three questions: First, why
did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the
recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?"
kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, "How
come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?"
Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says
they'll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class.
"Where were we?" says the president. "Oh, yes... do you kids have any
questions?"
Another boy raises his hand and says, "I have three questions: First, why
did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the
recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?"
Do your own shopping
After turning eighty, Marie found that shopping for Christ-
mas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send
checks to everyone instead. She wrote, "Buy your own
present" on each card and mailed them early.
Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only
after Christmas did she find the gift checks on her desk,
which she had forgotten to enclose.
mas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send
checks to everyone instead. She wrote, "Buy your own
present" on each card and mailed them early.
Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only
after Christmas did she find the gift checks on her desk,
which she had forgotten to enclose.
Environmentalist
My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly
waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her
purse and pulling out her own pair.
"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying
bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely.
"Ivory."
waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her
purse and pulling out her own pair.
"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying
bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely.
"Ivory."
lawyers
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by
legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master
of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the
University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates
some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master
of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the
University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates
some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
Island
From a passenger ship one can just barely see a bearded man on a small
island in the distance who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
island in the distance who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."
unhappy husband
After years of getting a cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband
finally confronted her. "Admit it," he said, "the only reason you married me
is because my father left me $10 million."
"Darling, don't be silly," said his wife.
"I don't care WHO left it to you."
finally confronted her. "Admit it," he said, "the only reason you married me
is because my father left me $10 million."
"Darling, don't be silly," said his wife.
"I don't care WHO left it to you."
Reading address
Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor
there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor
took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he
would be an extra set of hands.
The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's
surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were
literally a blur.
Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of
the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of
you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
better?"
Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."
there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor
took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he
would be an extra set of hands.
The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's
surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were
literally a blur.
Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of
the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of
you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."
"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
better?"
Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."
cake eaten by mistake
Every Christmas, composer Giacomo Puccini would have a cake baked for each
of his friends. One year, having quarreled with Arturo Toscanini just before
Christmas, he tried to cancel the order for the conductor's cake. But it was
too late the cake had already been dispatched.
The following day, Toscanini received a telegram from Puccini: "Cake sent by
mistake."
He replied by return: "Cake eaten by mistake."
of his friends. One year, having quarreled with Arturo Toscanini just before
Christmas, he tried to cancel the order for the conductor's cake. But it was
too late the cake had already been dispatched.
The following day, Toscanini received a telegram from Puccini: "Cake sent by
mistake."
He replied by return: "Cake eaten by mistake."
Golf
Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but
his technique never improved a bit.
As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a
brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball
into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.
"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.
"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.
his technique never improved a bit.
As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a
brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball
into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.
"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.
"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.
Blind date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very
expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the
table and asks to take their order.
The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp
cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the
price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so
much.
She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I
wash it down with?"
"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the
table and asks to take their order.
The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp
cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the
price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so
much.
She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I
wash it down with?"
"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
Looking for seal
When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out
the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the
animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" His Mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."
the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the
animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.
"What are you doing?" His Mom asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."
Racetrack reality
Doug and Bob were at the racetrack. Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on
a race, the track tells the government."
Bob says, "Well it could be worse."
Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won
$600?"
Bob sighs, "Telling your wife."
a race, the track tells the government."
Bob says, "Well it could be worse."
Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won
$600?"
Bob sighs, "Telling your wife."
Pirate
When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a
doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into
the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept
saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he
couldn't.
Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a
pirate!"
doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into
the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept
saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he
couldn't.
Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a
pirate!"
cowboys
Two fellas were watching an old cowboy movie and it came to the part when
the cowboy, on his horse, at full gallop, was headed right towards a cliff.
One of the guys said to the other, "Hey, I'll bet you 10 bucks that he rides
over the cliff." The other said, "Your on!"
Well the cowboy and the horse went right over the cliff. The fella that lost
the bet paid up. A while later, the guy who won said, "Hey, I'm feeling a
little guilty about our bet and need to make a confession ... I already have
seen the movie." The other fella replied, "Well, I have also seen the movie
before ... but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
the cowboy, on his horse, at full gallop, was headed right towards a cliff.
One of the guys said to the other, "Hey, I'll bet you 10 bucks that he rides
over the cliff." The other said, "Your on!"
Well the cowboy and the horse went right over the cliff. The fella that lost
the bet paid up. A while later, the guy who won said, "Hey, I'm feeling a
little guilty about our bet and need to make a confession ... I already have
seen the movie." The other fella replied, "Well, I have also seen the movie
before ... but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
Dont make them sick
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
Golden anniversary
On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in
front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the
flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was
when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on
the head:
"...underwater."
front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the
flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was
when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on
the head:
"...underwater."
Child's memory
Halfway home from church, my seven-year-old daughter realized she'd left
her Sunday-school homework behind. We turned around, and all the way back, her grandfather and I lectured her on assuming responsibility for her things.
We waited in the car, and when she emerged from the church, laughing, her
homework was in one hand, and my purse was in the other.
her Sunday-school homework behind. We turned around, and all the way back, her grandfather and I lectured her on assuming responsibility for her things.
We waited in the car, and when she emerged from the church, laughing, her
homework was in one hand, and my purse was in the other.
Shipwrecked
The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
sermon
Just as I began my sermon, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers
and I found some candles from the previous year's Christmas Eve service and
placed them around the sanctuary. Then I re-entered the pulpit, shuffled my
notes and muttered, "Now, where was I?"
In the dark at the back of the church, a voice called out, "Right near the
end!"
and I found some candles from the previous year's Christmas Eve service and
placed them around the sanctuary. Then I re-entered the pulpit, shuffled my
notes and muttered, "Now, where was I?"
In the dark at the back of the church, a voice called out, "Right near the
end!"
Wife's revenge
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
Garbage
I asked my wife, "Have you seen this morning's paper?"
She said, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it, just the classified section,
though."
I said, "But I haven't seen it yet!"
She said, "You didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds and a few orange
peels!"
She said, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it, just the classified section,
though."
I said, "But I haven't seen it yet!"
She said, "You didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds and a few orange
peels!"
Long marriage
To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been
married nearly 50 years. "That's a long time," I observed.
"A long, long time," she agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred
to me."
"What's that?"
"If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I'd be out of
jail by now."
married nearly 50 years. "That's a long time," I observed.
"A long, long time," she agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred
to me."
"What's that?"
"If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I'd be out of
jail by now."
Wife's collection
Showing his friend around his home, Jack started to point out all of the
collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see
how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how
could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see
how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how
could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"
again.
I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in
a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and
fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised,
bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for
my child.
My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle
followed by, "Again!"
a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and
fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised,
bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for
my child.
My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle
followed by, "Again!"
Help
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk
to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients
did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and
proceeded to pay in cash.
to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients
did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and
proceeded to pay in cash.
Promotion
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he
worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife
for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him,
"Listen, it means nothing,
they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the
grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of
peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"
worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife
for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him,
"Listen, it means nothing,
they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the
grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of
peas?"
The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"
Tourist
I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in
Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and
ask me what to do at night. I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory
Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very
interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.
They would reply, "How often is that?"
Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and
ask me what to do at night. I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory
Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very
interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.
They would reply, "How often is that?"
lost and found
"Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred
dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report
to the Lost and Found Department. We found your rubber
band."
dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report
to the Lost and Found Department. We found your rubber
band."
Marriage
A church bulletin blooper: "Irving Benson and Jessie
Carter were married on June 9 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days."
Carter were married on June 9 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days."
Parachute
A passenger is in a plane enjoying the view of the clouds when a man in a
parachute appears at the window. The man says "Would you like to join me?"
The passenger responds with, "No thanks."
The man says, "Suit yourself, I'm the pilot."
parachute appears at the window. The man says "Would you like to join me?"
The passenger responds with, "No thanks."
The man says, "Suit yourself, I'm the pilot."
Good Looks
My local hardware store has a way of putting its customers in their place
before they even enter. The sign posted on the door reads: "Shoes required,
because you might hurt yourself. Shirts required, because you're not as
good-looking as you think."
before they even enter. The sign posted on the door reads: "Shoes required,
because you might hurt yourself. Shirts required, because you're not as
good-looking as you think."
Loan
This one older lady, not quite up on the ins and outs of banks, was
surprised to receive a notice demanding payment on her loan. She called the
loan officer & said, "I can't return your money. I'm not finished with
it yet."
surprised to receive a notice demanding payment on her loan. She called the
loan officer & said, "I can't return your money. I'm not finished with
it yet."
Mr. Mayor
Cop: Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?
Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning, Mr. Mayor."
Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next
town.
Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning, Mr. Mayor."
Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next
town.
Pocket Money
A son comes to his dad and says:
- Dad, I gotta tell you something
- Ok, Quick and Clear!
- 200 Bucks
- Dad, I gotta tell you something
- Ok, Quick and Clear!
- 200 Bucks
Job
One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place
looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake
him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you
wake up, you're fired!"
looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake
him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you
wake up, you're fired!"
Friday, May 15, 2009
Forgiven
Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed
him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my
Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your
policy was 'forgive and forget.'"
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and
forgotten."
him out for it. He apologized, they made up.
However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done. "Honey," my
Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing that up? I thought your
policy was 'forgive and forget.'"
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've forgiven and
forgotten."
Room reservations
The children of our parish in Tokyo had been practicing
their Christmas play. Right on cue, the innkeeper said,
"There is no room."
No one was prepared for Joseph when he turned to Mary and
said, "I told you to make reservations! "
their Christmas play. Right on cue, the innkeeper said,
"There is no room."
No one was prepared for Joseph when he turned to Mary and
said, "I told you to make reservations! "
Drunken pilot
A jet ran into some turbulent weather.
To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts.
"I'd like a soda," said a passenger in the first row. Moving along,
the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something.
"Yes, I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!"
To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts.
"I'd like a soda," said a passenger in the first row. Moving along,
the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something.
"Yes, I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!"
Palm sunday
It was Palm Sunday, and the family's 6-year old son had to stay home from church because of strep throat. When the rest of the family returned home carrying palm branches, the little boy asked what they were for.
His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"
His mother explained, "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by."
"Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go to church, and Jesus shows up!"
End times
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"
Hotel
We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.
Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."
Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."
He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."
Running shoes
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked.
He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
Real cave
On a tour of Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, the guide stopped and addressed the crowd. "Do you want to see what a real cave looks like?" he asked.
Of course, everyone said yes.
Without another word, he shut off all the lights.
Of course, everyone said yes.
Without another word, he shut off all the lights.
Men's thoughts
Just think, if it weren't for marriage,
men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Pet prized
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet.
Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks.
Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked,
"Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?"
The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent.
"Right!" exclaimed the boy.
His dog won first prize.
Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks.
Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked,
"Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?"
The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent.
"Right!" exclaimed the boy.
His dog won first prize.
Conversation with birds
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard,
hooting like an owl--and one night, an owl finally
called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted
back and forth. He even kept a log of the
"conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a
breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife
had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,"
she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my
husband."
hooting like an owl--and one night, an owl finally
called back to him.
For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted
back and forth. He even kept a log of the
"conversation."
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a
breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife
had a chat with her next door neighbor.
"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls,"
she said.
"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my
husband."
Picnic
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window.
"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."
Surprise gift
In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit.
"Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"
"Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"
The first Christmas
A little boy returned from Sunday School with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus.
He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!"
He continued: "And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around."
He was so excited he just had to tell his parents: "I learned in Sunday School today all about the very first Christmas! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys!"
He continued: "And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around."
Prodigal son
Over at Fortitude Holiness Tabernacle, Dexter Rice, the Sunday School teacher, was telling his class the story of the Prodigal Son. Wishing to emphasize the resentful attitude of the elder brother, he laid stress on this part of the parable.
After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, Dexter spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion. "Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"
Nine year old Olivia Crombie had been listening sympathetically to the story. She waved her hand in the air.
"I know!" she said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."
After describing the rejoicing of the household over the return of the wayward son, Dexter spoke of one who, in the midst of the festivities, failed to share in the jubilant spirit of the occasion. "Can anybody in the class," he asked, "tell me who this was?"
Nine year old Olivia Crombie had been listening sympathetically to the story. She waved her hand in the air.
"I know!" she said beamingly. "It was the fatted calf."
Business magnate
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine.
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
"No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."
The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?"
"Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents."
"OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
Prayer for missionary
I heard a story recently about a young girl who wrote a letter to a missionary to let him know that her class had been praying for him. But evidently she'd been told not to request a response to her letter because the missionaries were very busy. So the missionary got a kick out of her letter.
It said, "Dear Mr. Missionary, we are praying for you. But we are not expecting an answer."
It said, "Dear Mr. Missionary, we are praying for you. But we are not expecting an answer."
Lord's prayer
A mother had been teaching her three-year daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after her mother the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.
The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail. Amen."
Early shopping
It was just before Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as
he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant.
"Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you
doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened", answered the prisoner
he asked the defendant, "What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early sir", replied the defendant.
"Well that's not an crime", said the judge! "How early were you
doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened", answered the prisoner
Perfect eyesight
An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes," says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."
The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"
"Yes," says Sam, "I saw him do it."
Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"
Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"
Funeral service
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
"How old was your husband?" "98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
Jesus Knocking??
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.
Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"
He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked,
"Is that Jesus knocking?"
Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"
He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked,
"Is that Jesus knocking?"
Be quiet
It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son. As if the stress weren't enough, four-year-old Christopher insisted on asking questions about everything, told me how to drive better, and sang every song he knew.
Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: "Christopher, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter." It worked.
But when we stopped for lunch, I unknowingly began to harp on him. "Christopher, sit up straight ... don't spill your drink ...
don't talk with your mouth full."
Finally he said seriously, "Dad, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter."
Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: "Christopher, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter." It worked.
But when we stopped for lunch, I unknowingly began to harp on him. "Christopher, sit up straight ... don't spill your drink ...
don't talk with your mouth full."
Finally he said seriously, "Dad, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter."
A Tithe Fish Story
A Tithe Fish Story - by Ben Maxson
I was on the island of Guadalcanal in the Solomon Islands of the South Pacific when I heard the story of a twelve year old boy who had learned what the Bible teaches on tithing. One day he came to the local church elder with a large fish he had caught. He explained to the elder that it was his tithe and asked for instructions as to how to give it to God.
The elder explained that he could sell it at the market or dry it and then sell it. Then he could return the tithe to God through His church. Then the elder remarked that it had been a good day for fishing since he had caught ten fish.
"Oh no," said the boy. "This is the first one. The other nine are still in the ocean. I'm going after them next."
I was on the island of Guadalcanal in the Solomon Islands of the South Pacific when I heard the story of a twelve year old boy who had learned what the Bible teaches on tithing. One day he came to the local church elder with a large fish he had caught. He explained to the elder that it was his tithe and asked for instructions as to how to give it to God.
The elder explained that he could sell it at the market or dry it and then sell it. Then he could return the tithe to God through His church. Then the elder remarked that it had been a good day for fishing since he had caught ten fish.
"Oh no," said the boy. "This is the first one. The other nine are still in the ocean. I'm going after them next."
Strange lawyer
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Tight shoes
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.
"Well, they feel a bit tight." replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.
"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.
"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
On guard
Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electricwires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, Iwas assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security
at the scene ofa downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from
the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to
warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to
protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the
wires, then, laughing, descended toward me."Well, Officer," one of them
said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all
night."
at the scene ofa downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of
this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from
the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to
warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to
protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the
wires, then, laughing, descended toward me."Well, Officer," one of them
said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all
night."
Golf
"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you
weren't watching?" Bob asked.
"Well, no," admitted the friend.
"Neither will John," replied Bob.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you
weren't watching?" Bob asked.
"Well, no," admitted the friend.
"Neither will John," replied Bob.
Good sermon
The preacher's 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
"Well, honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
One day, she asked him why.
"Well, honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't do it?" she asked.
Lowly programmer
I work for a small software company with approximately fifty employees. My
boss was the company's third employee. At a meeting with a potential client,
our team introduced ourselves one by one. When it was my boss' turn, he
said, "I've been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I started
as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior manager."
When it was my turn, I rose and said, "I'm new with the company. I'm still a
lowly programmer."
boss was the company's third employee. At a meeting with a potential client,
our team introduced ourselves one by one. When it was my boss' turn, he
said, "I've been with the company for it's entire 10 year history. I started
as a 'lowly programmer' and now I am a senior manager."
When it was my turn, I rose and said, "I'm new with the company. I'm still a
lowly programmer."
Church
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon.
"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell.
"The nut has gone to heaven."
Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon.
"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell.
"The nut has gone to heaven."
Marriage
My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He does."
Work
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
Marriage
Did I tell you about the young lady who was dating a baker and a poet at the same time?
She couldn't decide whether she should marry for batter or verse.
She couldn't decide whether she should marry for batter or verse.
Work
The company had hired a new CEO to shake things up, and he immediately calls a major staff meeting. As the meeting was getting ready to start, the CEO notices a young man leaning against the wall, clearly caught up in his own daydreams. The CEO marched over to him and barked, "How much money do you make in a week?"
Shocked, the young man nervously answered, "About $300 a week."
The CEO pulls out his own wallet, rips out twelve $100 bills, hands them to the young man and says, "Here's four weeks pay. Now get out of here and don't come back!"
Knowing he now has everyone's attention, the CEO turns and asks the group, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"
With a sheepish grin, a secretary mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Shocked, the young man nervously answered, "About $300 a week."
The CEO pulls out his own wallet, rips out twelve $100 bills, hands them to the young man and says, "Here's four weeks pay. Now get out of here and don't come back!"
Knowing he now has everyone's attention, the CEO turns and asks the group, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did around here?"
With a sheepish grin, a secretary mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Marriage
Our family was attending a wedding and I sat next to my Mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing up at the front while the bridesmaids proceeded down the aisle one by one.
Growing restless, my sister looked up at my Mom and said, "So why doesn't he hurry up and just pick one?"
Growing restless, my sister looked up at my Mom and said, "So why doesn't he hurry up and just pick one?"
Husband and wife
A couple on a safari was going through Africa when a lion leaped out, attacking the husband.
As the lion was about to put the man's head in his mouth, the victim yelled to his wife, "Shoot! Shoot!"
The wife called back, "I can't, I'm out of film!"
As the lion was about to put the man's head in his mouth, the victim yelled to his wife, "Shoot! Shoot!"
The wife called back, "I can't, I'm out of film!"
Church
We had just finished an enthusiastic praise and worship time one Sunday morning. As the worship leader finished the last song, she went straight into prayer. "Speak to us, O Lord," she prayed. "Open our hearts to hear your voice." Just then we were startled to hear a deep, friendly voice coming from above our heads, saying, "Hello, how are you this morning?" I opened my eyes in surprise and saw that the worship leader and my fellow parishioners were standing with eyes and mouths wide open, too.
After a moment of stunned silence, the worship leader chuckled and said, "Oh! The pastor must have forgotten to turn off his lapel microphone when he went out to greet latecomers!"
After a moment of stunned silence, the worship leader chuckled and said, "Oh! The pastor must have forgotten to turn off his lapel microphone when he went out to greet latecomers!"
Children
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
School
My daughter's fifth grade class had been studying astronomy.
One morning over breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on
the moon."
At once her little brother's eyes got big and he asked, "Are you gonna let
her go, Mom?"
One morning over breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on
the moon."
At once her little brother's eyes got big and he asked, "Are you gonna let
her go, Mom?"
Police
My son, a West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles
over the speed limit.
After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, "Don't you give out warnings?"
"Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say,
'Speed Limit 55.' "
over the speed limit.
After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, "Don't you give out warnings?"
"Yes, ma'am," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say,
'Speed Limit 55.' "
Family
Matt's two-and-a-half-year old son Anthony wandered into Aunt Maria's and
Uncle Pete's living room where he noticed a framed picture of his parents
and him. Carrying the picture, he waddled into the kitchen where Matt, his
wife Kate, and other relatives had gathered and said, "That's me, Mommy, and
her friend Daddy."
Uncle Pete's living room where he noticed a framed picture of his parents
and him. Carrying the picture, he waddled into the kitchen where Matt, his
wife Kate, and other relatives had gathered and said, "That's me, Mommy, and
her friend Daddy."
Marriage
During their 50th anniversary wedding celebration at a banquet in their
honor, my Dad was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved
from being married for so long.
My father stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've
learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty,
meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused.
"And?" someone cried out from the back of the room.
"...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd
stayed single!" my father exclaimed.
The room erupted in laughter.
honor, my Dad was asked to give a brief account of the benefits achieved
from being married for so long.
My father stood up, thought for a long moment, then said, "Well, I've
learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty,
meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness, and...." he paused.
"And?" someone cried out from the back of the room.
"...and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd
stayed single!" my father exclaimed.
The room erupted in laughter.
Business
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling,
"Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper,
where's the story about the big swindle?"
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out,
"Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
"Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page.
What he saw was yesterday's paper. The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper,
where's the story about the big swindle?"
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out,
"Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"
College
While touring the University with some college-bound friends, I saw an
advertisement that summed up the pre-college anxieties we were all feeling.
Posted in a campus restaurant was this sign for a credit-card company:
"Accepted at more colleges than you were."
advertisement that summed up the pre-college anxieties we were all feeling.
Posted in a campus restaurant was this sign for a credit-card company:
"Accepted at more colleges than you were."
Joke
One of the British national daily newspapers is asking readers "What it
means to be British?"
Some of the emails are hilarious, but this from a chap in Switzerland is
probably the best
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Chinese
takeaway on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on
a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Dislike of anything
foreign."
means to be British?"
Some of the emails are hilarious, but this from a chap in Switzerland is
probably the best
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then traveling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Chinese
takeaway on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on
a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Dislike of anything
foreign."
Doctor
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting
room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half,
shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into
the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking
completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little
old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now
you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half,
shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into
the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking
completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little
old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now
you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
Church
Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to
fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His
brother, of course, agreed.
It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle,
however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the
deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the
service.
As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he
nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied.
fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His
brother, of course, agreed.
It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle,
however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the
deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the
service.
As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he
nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied.
Doctor
Two old men were arguing the merits of their doctors. The first one said, "I don't trust your fancy doctor. He treated old Jake Waxman for a kidney ailment for nearly a year, and then Jake died of a liver ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
"So what makes you think your doctor is any better?" asked his friend.
"Because when my doctor treats you for a kidney ailment, you can be sure you'll die of a kidney ailment."
Family
Jimmy's mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game.
"Talk to your son," she said. "He refuses to obey a word I say."
The father turned to Jimmy angrily. "Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother.
Do you think you're better than your father?"
"Talk to your son," she said. "He refuses to obey a word I say."
The father turned to Jimmy angrily. "Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother.
Do you think you're better than your father?"
School
A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to
the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this
fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and
accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this
fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."
One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and
accidentally smash your thumb?"
"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
Church
A Catholic Sister had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first
Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament. Much to
her chagrin, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop.
Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad
seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough
talking and had better stop!"
Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front to deliver Sister's
message-to the priest who was giving his sermon.
Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament. Much to
her chagrin, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop.
Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad
seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough
talking and had better stop!"
Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front to deliver Sister's
message-to the priest who was giving his sermon.
Service
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That
meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching
repairmen right and left.
When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told,
"I'm at Post Office Box 99."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."
meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching
repairmen right and left.
When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told,
"I'm at Post Office Box 99."
The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."
Police
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed; however, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked.
"Uhhh, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman asked.
"Uhhh, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
Cooking
Two confirmed bachelors were sitting and talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way...'Take a clean dish and..."
"I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way...'Take a clean dish and..."
Neighbour
Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house
Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.
"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something.
"He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbor began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbor, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"
Child's prayer
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
Husband and wife
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, donkey's and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep, the wife replied, 'in laws.'
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, donkey's and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep, the wife replied, 'in laws.'
Heaven
"Doctor! Doctor!" cried the patient, "Is the surgery
complete?"
"I'm sorry, sir," said the man in white, "I'm not the
Doctor. I'm St. Peter..."
complete?"
"I'm sorry, sir," said the man in white, "I'm not the
Doctor. I'm St. Peter..."
Husband and wife
Wife: If I dismiss the cook and make the food myself for a month, what will you pay me?
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.
Husband: I won't have to pay you, you'll get my entire insurance amount.
Husband and wife
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Golf
A guy stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. All this was driving his golfing partner nuts.
Finally, his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the stupid ball!"
The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," said the partner. "There's no way you can hit her from here."
Finally, his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the stupid ball!"
The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Forget it, man," said the partner. "There's no way you can hit her from here."
Opticians
Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
New car
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news:
"Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."
"Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979."
"You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."
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