school

Student: You know the only thing worse than having to take school books home?Teacher: What?Student: Having to open them once I get there.
Son: Dad, my teacher says I need to get an encyclopedia.Father: Nonsense. You can walk to school just like I did.

Students answers

Teacher: Who is your favorite author?Student: George Washington.
Teacher: But George Washington never wrote any books.
Student: Exactly.
Teacher: Tell the class what book you read.
Student: Black Beauty.
Teacher: Now tell the class what it was about.
Student: It was about 120 pages.
Teacher: Why are you drawing a picture in your American Revolution textbook?Student: I'm making my mark on history.
Mother: How come you never bring any books home?
Son: Mom, they're called "school" books, not "home" books.

Organic food

Recently my wife was behind a car with three bumperstickers: "Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food --demand labels and safety testing for food"; "Eat for the healthof it"; and "Support organic farmers." The car was in front ofher at a McDonald's drive-through.

Fining

In Fort Worth, Texas, I was hauled before the judge fordriving with expired license plates. The judge listenedattentively while I gave him a long, plausible explanation. Then he said with great courtesy, "My dear sir, we arenot blaming you—we're just fining you."

Speaking part in a play

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.
Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Lamaze class

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, would you pick up that pen for me?"

Holy horse

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride. "Before you start," the preacher said, "you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is: Praise the Lord, and Stop is: Amen."
So the man on the horse says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells, "Amen!"
The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "Praise the Lord!"