school

Student: You know the only thing worse than having to take school books home?Teacher: What?Student: Having to open them once I get there.
Son: Dad, my teacher says I need to get an encyclopedia.Father: Nonsense. You can walk to school just like I did.

Students answers

Teacher: Who is your favorite author?Student: George Washington.
Teacher: But George Washington never wrote any books.
Student: Exactly.
Teacher: Tell the class what book you read.
Student: Black Beauty.
Teacher: Now tell the class what it was about.
Student: It was about 120 pages.
Teacher: Why are you drawing a picture in your American Revolution textbook?Student: I'm making my mark on history.
Mother: How come you never bring any books home?
Son: Mom, they're called "school" books, not "home" books.

Organic food

Recently my wife was behind a car with three bumperstickers: "Don't be fooled by genetically engineered food --demand labels and safety testing for food"; "Eat for the healthof it"; and "Support organic farmers." The car was in front ofher at a McDonald's drive-through.

Fining

In Fort Worth, Texas, I was hauled before the judge fordriving with expired license plates. The judge listenedattentively while I gave him a long, plausible explanation. Then he said with great courtesy, "My dear sir, we arenot blaming you—we're just fining you."

Speaking part in a play

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.
Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Lamaze class

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.
"Exactly," replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, would you pick up that pen for me?"

Holy horse

There was a preacher that was trying to sell his horse. A potential buyer came to the church for a test ride. "Before you start," the preacher said, "you should know that this horse only responds to church talk. Go is: Praise the Lord, and Stop is: Amen."
So the man on the horse says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to trot. The man again says, "Praise the Lord," and the horse starts to gallop. Suddenly there is a cliff right in front of the horse and the man yells, "Amen!"
The horse stops just at the edge of the cliff.
The man wipes the sweat from his brow and says, "Praise the Lord!"

Best violins

Three violin manufacturers had all done business on the same block for years and years in the small town of Cremona, in Italy.After years of peaceful coexistence, the Amati shop placed a sign in the window that read, "We make the best violins in Italy."The Guarneri shop, two doors down, followed suit shortly thereafter but their sign read, "We make the best violins in the world!"Finally, the Stradivarius family, who owned the shop right between the two, placed a sign in the window that read simply, "We make the best violins on the block."

Basketball coach

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Army

An inexperienced Army medic was stationed at a remote base in the South Pacific. One day he was puzzled about the treatment for one of his patients, so he radioed the mainland."I have a case of beriberi. What shall I do?"The doctor on call was in a glib mood and radioed back, "Give it to the Marines. They'll drink anything."

Recycling garbage

To promote recycling in my military unit, five large dumpsters were placed beside the mess tent with large signs in front of each stating what type of garbage was to be placed inside.It took several days and many reminders, but eventually the soldiers began complying. One day, just as the troops were lining up for the noon meal, a civilian garbage truck arrived.In full view of everyone, the contents of all five containers were dumped into the one truck.

Newspaper

A newspaper writer, after working for 7 long years, was finally granted two months of leave, during which time he would be fully paid.
However, he turned down his boss' kind offer.
The boss asked him why.
The newspaper writer said there are 2 reasons.
"The first," he said "is that I thought by taking such a long leave it might affect the newspaper's circulation."
The boss asked him what is the other reason.
"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that it might *NOT* affect the newspaper's circulation."

Cooking

Two women were discussing marriage, and one said, "We've been married twenty-five years, and every night my husband has complained about the food. Not one night without complaining about the food." The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?" The first one said, "Why should I object if he doesn't like his own cooking?"

Brain stimulating pills

Feeling listless, I bought some expensive "brain stimulating" pills at our local health food store, but I didn't bother to read the label until I got home."Oh, I can't believe it!" I exclaimed in complaint to my husband. "This is just rosemary extract!""So?" he said."So I can't believe I paid so much for something that's growing wild all over the backyard!""See?" he intoned. "You're smarter already."

Police dog

The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25."
Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Claudette Ramsey ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the scruffiest, mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy mutt a purebred police dog?"
"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," the man replied. "He's in the Secret Service."

Also with you

At the start of every Mass, our priest always did the same thing. He would make the sign of the Cross, and then we'd sing a hymn, followed by the priest offering a blessing along the lines of, "May the Lord be with you this day," after which the congregation would respond, "And also with you." One Sunday, after making the sign of the cross, the priest seemed to be having some trouble getting his lapel microphone to stay in place. After the song concluded, instead of the blessing, we heard him say, "There seems to be something wrong with my microphone." The congregation, being too well-trained, automatically responded, "And also with you...."

Pastor's mother

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."

Ten years younger

I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard awoman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about theclothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked onher door and asked if there was a specific color or style shecould get for her.
"I need a dress for my class reunion," the woman answered."I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes melook twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger."
From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, "Makethat two."

Taking blood

During a visit to a military medical clinic, I was sent to the lab to have blood drawn. The technician there was friendly and mentioned that his mood improved every day because he was due to leave the service in two months.
As he applied the tourniquet on my arm, he told me that taking the blood wouldn't hurt much. Then, noticing my Air Force T-shirt he asked me what my husband did.
When I replied that he was a recruiter, the technician smiled slyly and said, "This might hurt a little more than I thought."

Excuse for late coming

Johnny Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss. The wife decided to drive me to the train station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river. Look, my suit is still damp. Then I ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

Bishop

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and even the bishop were in attendance.
During the children's talk, our pastor had all these eminent worthies line up and introduced them to the kids. When he got to the bishop, he asked, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"
After a long moment, one little boy said, "He's the one you can move diagonally."

Windshield wiper

Which windshield wiper blade always quits first? That's right -- the driver's side.
This happened to me one day while driving home in the middle of a blinding storm. Unable to see, I pulled over and tried to figure out a quick fix. I found it in a yellow cotton work glove lying on the floor. I wedged the cloth hand under the wiper arm. It did a great job keeping my windshield clear.
Not only that -- you'd be surprised at how many people waved back.

Buddist teacher

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher.

She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so.

She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.

The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

Chocolate cake

Doris E. Fletcher of Kendall Park, New Jersey, once contributed a story to "Reader's Digest" (August 1990), about her daughter's struggle to lose weight. She wrote that one day, as a slender friend walked up their driveway, the daughter lamented, "Linda's so skinny it makes me sick."

The mother suggested gently, "If it bothers you, why don't you do something about it?"

The daughter answered, "Good idea, Mom." Then turning to her friend, she called out, "Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake!"

Daylight saving time

My husband, Robert, and I were watching television the last Saturday evening in April. When he went to bed, I stayed up to see the end of a program. Before retiring, I turned the clocks ahead for daylight-saving time.

The next morning, the alarm wakened us for early church. When we arrived, it was still dark, and no one was there. "I can't imagine what's wrong," I said. "I turned the clocks ahead."

"So did I," Robert quietly replied.

this hand or that ?

My six-year-old son came running into the house, crying and shaking his right hand. Sobbing, he told me he had been bouncing the basketball and it had bounced into the end of his fingers. From the way he was crying, I knew he just needed a kiss-it- better cure. His crying subsided and as he turned to go back outside, he said absently, "...or was it this hand?"

Primitive guys

Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food & fire area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just watching.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working.

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television... and later to the remote control.

Watering the dog and walking the tree

Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on my father's young peach tree for two years in a row. This spring Dad was ready. He replanted the sapling into a large box, mounted the box on wheels, and rolled the tree into the garage every time the temperature dropped.

One warm April day Dad was wheeling the tree out of the garage and he stopped to pick up the hose and give our old dog a drink before he watered the tree.

A neighbor was watching the scene with amusement. He finally called out to my father, "Frank, you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"

Ketchup

Joe was telling his buddy Jack about a recent diagnosis of his high blood
pressure. "The doctors told me to quit eating red meat,"

"Well, did you quit," asked Jack.

Joe replied, "Sure did. You think I'm a dummy or something? I haven't had a
drop of ketchup on my hamburgers since."

Missionary

A dentist came home to his wife excited about the day's events. He had met a fellow dentist who had served in the mission field using his dental skills.
"Marge, I think the Lord wants me to work with the poor in Central America. They are in great need of dental care," He explained with enthusiasm.
"Dear husband, it isn't civilized down there. I've heard that they have cockroaches the size of bats. And no running water."
"Marge, the Lord will provide for our needs and we will be able help people who really need us. Bedsides, I am sure the Lord is calling me to do this."
"How do you know the Lord is calling you to do this?"
"Well, I just feel it, and it's in the Bible."
"In the Bible? What verse?"
It's from Psalms 81:10 "I, the LORD, am your God, Who brought you up from the land of Egypt; OPEN YOUR MOUTH WIDE AND I WILL FILL IT." (NASB)

Restaurant

Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about
how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced
myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my
husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."

We invented them

Nancy Reagan tells the story of how President Ronald Reagan was once
challenged by a college student who said it was impossible for Reagan's
generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the
student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear
energy, computers..."

Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, Reagan said, "You're
right. We didn't have all those things when we were young so we invented
them."

The meaning of dreams

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You shall know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. She found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

crash

While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra screwed up the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The landing was so hard that it broke off the tail boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained upright on its skids, sliding down the runway doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange took place:
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, tower, we ain't done crashin' yet."

Software

At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the
participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just
boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been
responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark
immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When
asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay
onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as
far as the runway, let alone take off.

CD player

While shopping for my first CD player, I was able to decipher most of the
technicalese on the promotional signs. One designation had me puzzled,
though, so I called over a salesperson and asked, "What does 'hybrid pulse
D/A converter' mean?"

"That means", he said, "that this machine will read the digital information
that is encoded on CDs and convert it into an audio signal - that is, into
music." "In other words this CD player plays CDs." "Exactly."

Dear God

A Sunday School teacher challenged her pupils to take some time after church
on Sunday and write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back to
Sunday School the following week.

One little boy wrote, "Dear God, we had a good time at church last Sunday.
Wish you could have been there."

Horse called

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one
of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good
explanation '
Three days later he was watching a ball game on t.v. when she walked up
and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What in the world was that for?'
She replied... 'Your horse called.'

Iraqi invasion

After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the
kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, "How
come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?"

Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says
they'll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class.

"Where were we?" says the president. "Oh, yes... do you kids have any
questions?"

Another boy raises his hand and says, "I have three questions: First, why
did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the
recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?"

Do your own shopping

After turning eighty, Marie found that shopping for Christ-
mas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send
checks to everyone instead. She wrote, "Buy your own
present" on each card and mailed them early.

Marie enjoyed the usual flurry of family festivities. Only
after Christmas did she find the gift checks on her desk,
which she had forgotten to enclose.

Environmentalist

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly
waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her
purse and pulling out her own pair.

"As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying
bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."

The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Very beautiful," he said politely.
"Ivory."

lawyers

At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by
legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year. The master

of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the
University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as candidates.
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That eliminates

some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright, dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"

Island

From a passenger ship one can just barely see a bearded man on a small
island in the distance who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is that?" a passenger asked a passing steward.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass by, he goes nuts."

unhappy husband

After years of getting a cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband
finally confronted her. "Admit it," he said, "the only reason you married me
is because my father left me $10 million."

"Darling, don't be silly," said his wife.

"I don't care WHO left it to you."

Reading address

Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor
there had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor
took a liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he
would be an extra set of hands.

The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's
surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were
literally a blur.

Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of
the day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very proud of
you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."

"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better."

"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do
better?"

Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."

cake eaten by mistake

Every Christmas, composer Giacomo Puccini would have a cake baked for each
of his friends. One year, having quarreled with Arturo Toscanini just before
Christmas, he tried to cancel the order for the conductor's cake. But it was
too late the cake had already been dispatched.

The following day, Toscanini received a telegram from Puccini: "Cake sent by
mistake."

He replied by return: "Cake eaten by mistake."

Golf

Morris had been playing golf for years, and he had the finest equipment, but
his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a
brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball
into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.

Blind date

A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very
expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the
table and asks to take their order.

The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp
cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the
price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so
much.

She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I
wash it down with?"

"Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."

Looking for seal

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out
the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the
animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" His Mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."

Racetrack reality

Doug and Bob were at the racetrack. Doug says, "You know, if you win $600 on
a race, the track tells the government."

Bob says, "Well it could be worse."

Doug replies, "What could be worse than telling the government you won
$600?"

Bob sighs, "Telling your wife."

Pirate

When Ruth's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a
doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into
the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept
saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."

Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he
couldn't.

Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"

Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a
pirate!"

cowboys

Two fellas were watching an old cowboy movie and it came to the part when
the cowboy, on his horse, at full gallop, was headed right towards a cliff.
One of the guys said to the other, "Hey, I'll bet you 10 bucks that he rides
over the cliff." The other said, "Your on!"

Well the cowboy and the horse went right over the cliff. The fella that lost
the bet paid up. A while later, the guy who won said, "Hey, I'm feeling a
little guilty about our bet and need to make a confession ... I already have
seen the movie." The other fella replied, "Well, I have also seen the movie
before ... but I didn't think he'd do it again!"

Dont make them sick

Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign
posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:

"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall,
animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."

Golden anniversary

On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in
front of me. Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the

flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.

"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.

The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was
when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on
the head:

"...underwater."

Child's memory

Halfway home from church, my seven-year-old daughter realized she'd left
her Sunday-school homework behind. We turned around, and all the way back, her grandfather and I lectured her on assuming responsibility for her things.

We waited in the car, and when she emerged from the church, laughing, her
homework was in one hand, and my purse was in the other.

Shipwrecked

The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

sermon

Just as I began my sermon, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers
and I found some candles from the previous year's Christmas Eve service and
placed them around the sanctuary. Then I re-entered the pulpit, shuffled my
notes and muttered, "Now, where was I?"

In the dark at the back of the church, a voice called out, "Right near the
end!"

Wife's revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

Garbage

I asked my wife, "Have you seen this morning's paper?"

She said, "Yes, I wrapped the garbage in it, just the classified section,
though."

I said, "But I haven't seen it yet!"

She said, "You didn't miss much. Just some coffee grounds and a few orange
peels!"

Long marriage

To our shock and horror, my sister-in-law and I realized we had each been
married nearly 50 years. "That's a long time," I observed.

"A long, long time," she agreed. Then she smiled. "Something just occurred
to me."

"What's that?"

"If I had killed your brother the first time I felt like it, I'd be out of
jail by now."

Wife's collection

Showing his friend around his home, Jack started to point out all of the
collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see
how much it's all worth."

"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how
could you sell it."

"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

again.

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old...I had him strapped in
a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and
fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised,
bleeding and I had torn my jeans... but my main concern was, naturally for
my child.

My fears were alleviated though when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle
followed by, "Again!"

Help

A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk

to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients
did when they had a check to write.

"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and
proceeded to pay in cash.

Promotion

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he
worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife

for weeks on end. Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him,
"Listen, it means nothing,

they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!".

"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the
grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says "Can I please talk to the Vice President of
peas?"

The clerk replies "Canned or frozen?"

Tourist

I was a salesman and always wore a shirt and tie which made me stand out in
Key West. Tourists would walk up to me and
ask me what to do at night. I would tell them that people gather at "Mallory
Square" to watch the sunset. There are street performers and very
interesting sights but most go there just to watch the sunset.

They would reply, "How often is that?"

lost and found

"Would the person who lost a fat roll of hundred
dollar bills, wrapped in a rubber band, please report
to the Lost and Found Department. We found your rubber
band."

Marriage

A church bulletin blooper: "Irving Benson and Jessie
Carter were married on June 9 in the church. So ends a
friendship that began in their school days."

Parachute

A passenger is in a plane enjoying the view of the clouds when a man in a
parachute appears at the window. The man says "Would you like to join me?"

The passenger responds with, "No thanks."

The man says, "Suit yourself, I'm the pilot."

Good Looks

My local hardware store has a way of putting its customers in their place
before they even enter. The sign posted on the door reads: "Shoes required,
because you might hurt yourself. Shirts required, because you're not as
good-looking as you think."

Loan

This one older lady, not quite up on the ins and outs of banks, was
surprised to receive a notice demanding payment on her loan. She called the
loan officer & said, "I can't return your money. I'm not finished with
it yet."

Mr. Mayor

Cop: Why didn't you stop when I shouted at you back there?
Motorist: I thought you were saying "Good morning, Mr. Mayor."
Cop: Right. I wanted to warn you about going too fast through the next
town.

Pocket Money

A son comes to his dad and says:
- Dad, I gotta tell you something
- Ok, Quick and Clear!
- 200 Bucks

Job

One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place

looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake
him, he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...

"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as soon as you
wake up, you're fired!"